The Original Ramblings
On leaving social media behind and leaving Lebanon, on discovering personal journeys and peddling through global pandemics...A little bit of nothing and everything
I decided to start it all with this picture. a picture of the view from my parent's house in little old Baysour, Lebanon. a small village in the mountains of Lebanon. A view I cannot get enough of and one that brings a rush of senses. I feel the warm and cool breeze, I smell the pine trees and the soil of our garden, I can hear the neighbors bickering in the silence of it all. I decided to start it all with this picture because in many ways it did start there. What you are about to read next may not seem very relevant to any of this and that is because it probably isn't but here we go.
Fast forwarding the reel from 2008 until 2021, I get lost in a picturesque screening of revolutions, heartbreaks, triumphs, loss, happiness, explosions and dystopian political and medical realities. the world is different, my personal world is different as is yours I am sure. It seems foolish to admit that this change is surprising but it is. No matter how much I try and anticipate life's changes, when they happen, they still have a way to surprise, enthrall or devastate me.
2021 was too far forward, Let's go back to a relevant 2020 moment...
One particularly anxious, busy afternoon at the hospital, a story unfolded that led to the creation of this website. I get called in consultation to evaluate a patient. I am at the elevator doors, barricaded behind layers of Personal Protective Equipment (PPE). Among those are my "Darth Vader" mask, itself covered by a face mask, layered by a face shield. I could hear myself breathe.
This setting is by now the routine, it still impresses me, but the routine nevertheless. I press the elevator call button, put my hand under the "purell" hand gel dispenser, I get some foam. I rub my hands together and set myself up for the wait. My hand instinctively then reaches to my pocket, purposefully pulls up my phone and anxiously uses my finger to unlock. I am now ready to receive my fix, the screen turns on, I am captivated. Time seamlessly passes. The wait was actually likely to be less than a minute but the pull to my phone was irresistible, it was automatic, almost fateful.
When did this aversion towards spending a moment alone amongst my thoughts start? The elevator was here, the phone was still in my hands, I stepped in, the doors closed, the day continued.
from there, it was a self sustaining cycle of doubt and questioning. My world is in this rectangle. More importantly, my perception of the world is in this rectangle. and it is skewed, I seek what is comforting and fits my world view and reject what is different. The comfort of getting lost in a continuous stream of consciousness propelled by people in my circles some I know and some I don't was not working for me. I needed to have more control.
I went dark...
I left social media, I deleted all apps from the rectangular screen. I was at the elevators again. My hand still instinctively reached into my pocket, used my finger to unlock the paraphernalia but came up empty. The rectangle was disconnected. I was forced to look at the elevator doors, wait and hear myself breathe behind the masks, behind the shields, behind the glasses. The elevator came, I stepped in, the doors closed, the day continued.
The point?
For me, Social media was creating more problems than it was solving. I Simply had to look for something different. I did however realize I miss sharing my drawings and the music that swayed me through them. I missed it a lot. And here came the idea of this website. I decided to lose the anonymity I had with my instagram page and it still feels a little terrifying. But here it is. This is the first of some (I would not dare say "many") Ramblings. I truly hope, whoever you are who read up to this point, I truly hope you enjoyed it and if you did not...well...I apologize...for now that's all we have but thank you anyway.
